I was disappointed when I heard one of my close friends have cheated on his wife. It made me sad and I realised that I should write about it. Sharing my views on why men cheat and to stop it from happening is the main goal of this blog. Although this post is more aimed towards men, we hope women may find it beneficial too.
Scientific explanations behind men cheating
In our understating, we define cheating as any action or state of mind which results in being unfaithful to your partner. Scientifically there have been many studies attempting to explain the act of cheating. We will briefly touch upon some of these viewpoints to broaden our understanding:
Humans are not monogamous
Anthropologists generally state from an evolutionary perspective we are more polygamous. Biological evidence shows that humans have two-brain system, one of them is linked to attachment and romantic love, and the second is attached purely to pleasure and sex. Biologists point out that sometimes this two-brain systems is not well-connected, which enables people to become adulterers and satisfy their libido without any regards to their attachment side.
Imbalances in Sex ratio
Psychologist proposed that imbalances with sex ratios within a society may play a part in men cheating. There are evidence suggesting societies where there are more women than men then men are more likely to cheat. When women are more in demand then less promiscuity takes place this is because generally speaking women desire monogamy and commitment, men compile by this as they do not want to lose a mate in times of low number of available women.
Parental Investment theory
Evolutionary scholars attempt to explain infidelity based on the concept of parental investment theory. They suggest that women invest more time and energy in raising offspring therefore women are choosier with regards to mate selection and desire long term monogamous relationship. Men, on the other hand, have less parental investment and so they are more open to take part in sexual activity with multiple partners. This is because men think having multiple sexual partners will increase his chances of him passing his genes.
The Internet has allowed an increase of accessibility for all, meaning a larger number of people are now connected via the internet. Accessibility goes hand in hand with affordability. This means an internet user can easily access the internet and visit multiple sites and connect with people for potential sexual needs all from the comfort of one's house. Lastly, the internet allows anonymity which allows users to be someone else or hide their identity while carrying out infidelity. The Internet has also given rise to chat rooms, multiple dating apps which all lead to the user having virtual affairs cybersex via creating avatars in sims or the second life. In our understanding, all virtual activities fall under infidelity.
Changing of workplace demography
Sociologists have discovered as there are higher number of women entering the workplace which changes the old masculine work environment. We are working ever longer hours meaning our partners are spending more time at work with the opposite sex. The combination of being close to the opposite sex, free mixing and spending long time at work all plays a role to the higher number of divorce rate and infidelity. The data suggest that married women are less likely to have an affair compared to men. The idea of office romance is now not only normal but, in some literature, it states it’s a good thing.
So far, we have briefly captured the wider scientific studies all attempting to explain why infidelity takes place in our society. Let’s look closely why men cheat.
Why men cheat
In our opinion, it is very difficult to explain all infidelity because each relationship is unique and comes with its own challenges but below are some of the main reasons which we think could be the reasons behind why men cheat.
1. Men are immature
In general, mentally men develop far slower compared to women. Men fail to comprehend the important concept that their actions will inevitably have consequences.
2. Poor at dealing with life issues
Men are poor at dealing with life issues hence they are more prone towards getting into alcohol, drugs which greatly affects his judgement. Men suffer from insecurity and suffer from a mid-life crisis. They think they are too old, not handsome, therefore in-order to boost his ego he seeks for validation from other women who isn’t his mate.
3. Stuck in a dead relationship
In some cases, it could be that he is stuck in a relationship from which he cannot get out and he doesn’t know how to get out of this relationship, so he cheats and then forces his partner to do the stressful work of ending the relationship.
4. Lack of male support
There is also a lack of male support meaning generally men expects his social and emotional needs to be met entirely by his significant other. And when she inevitably fails in that duty, he seeks fulfilment elsewhere. Men are also easily influenced by other men.
5. Men are poor at navigating relationship field
Men misunderstand the difference between romantic intensity and long-term love, mistaking the neurochemical rush of early romance as the way to go. Men fail to understand that a healthy, long-term relationship is what adds value, meaning, passion and ultimate fulfilment compared to the rush of a quick fling.
6. Attachment and intimacy issues
Men who have experienced childhood abuse, where he has unresolved trauma, neglect, emotional abuse leading to the creation of attachment and intimacy issues. We think this is a hugely important factor and unfortunately, it’s on the rise due to the society we live in. It is imperative that men seek professional help regards to any sort of mental and emotional abuse or trauma.
7. Influenced by media
Men are easily influenced by their peer and the media. Men tend to have unrealistic expectation from their partner. This is where he thinks his partner should meet his every whim and sexual desire, 24/7, regardless of how she feels at any moment. He fails to understand that she has a life of her own, with thoughts and feelings and needs that don’t always involve him. When his expectations are not met, he seeks external fulfilment.
8. Taking things for granted and no effort
Rather than focusing on his relationship, men focuses on making a connection with others. The busy lives we all live we get lazy and men are masters at being lazy. He doesn't want to make the effort as he starts taking things for granted. This makes him think he is lacking something when he doesn't. This makes him think the grass is greener on the other side
9. More options
Men are presented with more options for cheating via the internet. It’s easier than ever to make new connections, with constant accessibility to a pool of people that is unlimited and offers different styles of cheating such as sexting for example, or an emotional affair without any physical contact. While, years ago, you’d have to settle for workplace assignations or make a concerted effort to start up an affair with a stranger, now it’s all just a swipe away.
How not to cheat
We think there is two-part to cheating. This is the mental side and the physical side. We think sorting out your mind is the most important step. If you can control the mind the physical side is easy. With regards to the mental side, you should first
1. Be happy with yourself
Try to be happy with yourself in your skin. This means addressing any shortcomings and self-negative feelings. You should stop comparing yourselves to others and stop listening to the societies stereotype of what a man should be. You need to realise that you are unique, you have strength and weakness just like everyone else. You need to learn how to be content with your inner self.
2. Concept of time
You need to understand the concept of time. You will never get back your 20’s 30’s we are ageing every breath. This means we all have limited time in this world. You need to re-evaluate your life and set goals as to what you want to achieve. For example, do you want to have sex with all the women of the world and then die alone, or do you want to have sex with your wife and die surrounded with your great grand children’s and family? May be imagined your self being in the two situations and visualise yourself.
3. Understand commitment, responsibility and duty
You need to understand the concept of commitment, responsibility, and duty. You should aim to build a life with the precious time you have and not waste it by bed hoping to look for a quick fix. Rather than looking for a quick fix, you should aim for getting pleasure from something meaningful with deeper meaning, feelings and satisfaction.
4 and 5. Spirituality and mental compass
You should start to grow your spirituality and start building a strong moral compass which isn’t shaped by society or culture. Your moral values should be based on your logical thinking. As mentioned earlier you have an animal side of your brain which focuses only on pleasure. You need to learn to control this. Spirituality is what helps to control our animal brain and we become more human. Spirituality makes us think about our actions and our place in the universe.
So far, we have spoken about the mental steps which one should try to take, now we talk about the physical steps which will also help us from taking part in infidelity.
Cultivate an environment which makes cheating happening almost impossible. This means you should cut off all types of connections with individuals who promote infidelity or have a very loose moral compass. Time is important and you cannot waste it on individuals who just hold you back. Following on from this you also need to cut off all social media, dating apps, internet temptations of communicating with the opposite sex. You should not have any friend from the opposite sex who you have an opportunity to socialise with alone. If you work with the opposite sex, then there shouldn’t be any after-work socialising with them. After work, it’s your own precious time so you should spend it wisely by going home working on your goals, side hustle or building your family, your career, business etc. You need to put your relationship with your partner as the number one priority in your life, this means working hard at it to keep the fire burning. You should cultivate open and honest conversation time with each other. You should do things for each other, you should notice each other, you should remember past special happy memories. You should be in an exclusive bubble where you and your partner are the main events and cut off all the outside distractions, noise, temptations and focus on each other. You need to try new things and explore life from each other's viewpoints. As well as learning to have a deep conversation with your partner you need to learn how to listen and address any issue or shortfalls together. You need to learn how to handle difficult life situations and relationship issues such as arguments, jealousy, finances, family etc. You should also never be alone for long period of time from your partner remember your partner is a shield for you from all temptation. You should stop watching porn or anything which arouses you other than your partner.
In conclusion, infidelity is a cancer within our society. Living in a culture of non-existent moral value, highly sexualised society with easy access of opportunity to commit infidelity is a challenge for all of us. But if we follow the previous mentioned steps and make a conscious effort then we can stay away from committing cheating. Remember infidelity not only breaks a relationship but it breaks people, family and the fabric of society which in turns affects a whole nation. That’s why we class infidelity as one of the worst things you can do as a human being.