I get asked this question a lot and I thought maybe it’s time to share my views on this matter. You may find some of the points mentioned below hard to swallow or agree to, however, know that this is my view developed over many years from my own experiences. So, let’s get started.
Everything comes with an expiry date
Whether you like it or not everything in this world comes with an expiry date, including you. The whole universe will not last forever. The same is true for relationships. The quicker you understand this the better it is for you. Once you understand this you will see things in a different light and hopefully see the value of time. We all have limited time to do everything which we want to do. You never know if you will be here tomorrow so why waste this precious time on crying over your ex when you can say breakups are the best things which could happen to you.
Break up means the new beginning
The sooner you embrace this kind of thinking the better it will be for you. I do not know the intricacies of your relationship as all relationships are unique and comes with its challenges, joys and heartaches. What I mean by this is that if you two were perfect for each other and it was meant to be then you two won’t have broken up in the first place. There must have been issue which led to this breakup, so it’s better that it happens now than later on, when you are way involved emotionally, physically, spiritually, socially, financially, and any other way possible. Remember a relationship will only work when both people are on the same journey. It is not a relationship when one person isn’t motivated to be on the same journey as you are, so they become complacent and the relationship breaks down. Now ask yourself to do you want to grow old with someone who isn’t fully committed to you or would you rather go your separate ways. Therefore, it is a blessing that the relationship has run its course, and you cut your losses and move on and conduct a deep reflection of your life.
Reflect and learn
This is the best time to conduct a full and thorough re-evaluation of your relationship and your life. Remember the first point - you have limited time - you need to do things which you like and want to achieve so that when you are 100+ years old laying on your death bed surrounded by your amazing family, you can say yes I have had a full happy good life. You need to evaluate what went wrong, why it happens and what can you do or learn from it. You do not need to involve your ex-partner as this is all about you. As I said earlier every relationship is unique and only you know it better than anyone, this means only you can evaluate this relationship. It is essential that you do this evaluation/refection by yourself, alone and not with a friend as you do not want to be influenced by anyone or anything. The way to carry out this reflection is to detach emotion from it and look at it as if you are a scientist looking down a microscope through a nonjudgmental non-biased lens. Once you have identified the points then you need to focus on yourself.
Relationship with yourself is the most important relationship
We all know that relationships take a lot of work, now that you do not have this huge commitment you should have a lot of free time and hopefully money too. You need to use this time wisely. You should focus on yourself. This time should be used to develop yourself emotionally, mentally, physically and intellectually.
You need to look after your health. Remember without health you won’t be able to do pretty much anything. Do not sign up for expensive gym membership even if it’s one pound a month membership. You do not need it you can do many things to improve your health for free. YouTube is full of ideas. Following on from health, you need to look at your personal life, more importantly, reconnect with your friends. This is should not be quantity but more so quality. Almost all of us will have less than 10 best friends who has been there from day one and are still in touch with us. Following on from your friends you need to reassess your family situations, as in reconnecting with your family. You may not know your family or have deep-rooted issues with them then it’s a different matter altogether. The reason I am emphasizing you to reconnect with your friends and family is because we use our friends and family as our support network. Looking after this key network will help our mental welbeing. Following on from your support network you should look at how to improve yourself professionally and financially. Developing your career is one of the most important things which you can focus on this is because it gives you more financial freedom and this, in turn, allows you finance your long term goals as well help out people in need especially family, friends, your local community, locality. While you are doing all that you must cut all connection with your ex.
Every contact with ex slows down your progress!
You need to cut ALL connection with your ex. This is an emotional, mental, physical relation. The only way you get rid of a weed from your garden is if you uproot everything. The same way you need to uproot your ex from your life, mind, heart, brain and memory. If that means losing friends so be it. If its possible move town, city, country, continent. Be as far away as possible form your ex and anything to do with them. If you have kids with them now that’s a whole different story. I do not care what others say about staying friend with your ex that is because either they are stupid, or they do not want good for you, so they want you to be on this toxic re-play of life. You staying in touch, means you will be emotionally invested on your ex while you should be investing in the new person or better even on yourself and the family. Point to note now that you being single doesn’t mean you should get with the next person just to get over the ex.
Single and ready to mingle - ABSOLUTELY NOT!
The way you get over your ex is by focusing on yourself and not by bed-hopping. The so-called great lover Casanova (who I think is a women hater rather than lover) said the way to mend a broken heart is to sleep with as many people as possible. That’s why Casanova died of multiple venereal diseases including syphilis which caused him mental, physical deterioration and finally death. This bed-hopping is morally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually wrong. Think about for a second, would you like to be used by someone else to get over their ex? Do you not care about your health that you will jump into bed with anyone with god knows what disease and issues they have? If you have answered yes, then you are in the wrong blog and you should stop reading right now and seek professional help. It is worrying indeed if you think it's ok to use another human being selfishly to get over your issues or put your health through the risk of contracting disease etc. You are a human being and not a pig so get back to point number one time is of the essence and as you are a human so have some self-control.
Self - control
In life, there will be many situations where you will be presented with options. It’s the decisions which we take will have a profound effect on our life. Animals act out there urges we humans are also animals but having said that we also have a conscience and the ability to think before we act. You need to be the master of your emotion and not be a slave of your emotions. Having self-control will not only help you with your love life but also in every aspect’s life, work, play, family, friends etc. The higher the self-control you have the better your life will be. Self-control doesn’t come in one day; it takes time and conscious continuous effort. You need to read beneficial books about self-control. As well as practice self-control in your day to day life. This is where spirituality comes to play as self-control is a huge part of spirituality.
Date only to marry
In UK people cannot understand this concept, yet over 300 years ago that’s exactly what we used to do, which was courting someone to get married to them. This kind of practice is still ongoing in other world societies. As mentioned earlier relationship takes time and effort, it also leaves a mark in our heart. Our heart and mind are like soft mud, the younger we are the softer this mud is. The more relationships you will have the more marks you will collect in your soft mud, over time it will just be full of marks, full of emotional baggage, history, feelings, issues, heartaches. There are only so much that our heart and mind can take. Now compare this to a person’s heart who hasn’t been bed-hopping and they have saved themselves for the one. This person’s heart and mind is clear with no baggage, no emotional heartache, no expectations, no comparison. The commitment from this person will be different from the commitment of someone who has been through it all before. For example, you will never get the same excitement of eating an ice cream now compared to the first time you ate ice cream as a child or the same feeling of learning to ride a bike for the very first time compared to riding a bike now. We need to go back to basics and turn away from our overly sexualized society which we are living in now. This means no dating unless it will lead to marriage. No sex before marriage either, no spending alone time together as that will lead to things which we do not want to do. If any prospective partner hears this and runs away then so be it, you just got saved again. However soon you will meet the one who will say yes this is also what I want and trust me the life you will have with this person will outshine all the possible bed-hopping opportunities of the world put t together. You will have such sweetness which you won’t have thought existed at all. I know as I am living sweetness every day and I pinch myself to make sure that I am not dreaming, and I make sure my wife is aware of this that she means the world to me and more. Now. I only hope this will soon be you too.