‘You are stupid’, says one, another one looks at me with the most confused look of what is wrong with me.
The third cannot believe what he is hearing.
All three are male, white, Western European age range of 33 to 39 years old. I got this reaction today because I mentioned that I always pay for financially towards my wife even though she works and earns good money. My male work colleagues cannot even think for a second the idea of a guy paying towards his wife’s all expenses.
They say that why should a man pay for his wife, partner, girlfriend etc. when she is working and earns good money.
Part of me gets annoyed that they don’t even believe that I am happy paying for my wife’s expenses and I want to pay, or the fact that it makes me feel good that being a man I have been able to provide for my wife.
My wife doesn’t need me to pay and she has her own finances to pay for everything. She has a good job; she is well respected in her field of work and she is happy with her career. She knows where she is going career-wise and her job is well paid. She is also lucky enough to have a very good work-life balance, which allows us to spend lots of time together in and out of the house. My wife doesn’t mind me paying for everything because she understands what this means to me and why I want to do this.
My 39-year-old colleague who I assume is happily married with 2 boys barks at me with a loud voice saying NO NO NO you are going about this wrong way, you need to split everything 50:50. My other colleague shakes his head violently up and down in agreement with my older colleague. I fear that maybe all this neck shaking will make his head pop out of his neck. I pause and stop for a second. I wonder why such a strong reaction is there form my male colleagues. Could it be to do with some emotional trauma which they may have received, or could this be they are self-conscious and deep down it affects their principals of masculinity? Not that long ago where masculinity meant providing for his family. In ages not that long ago when a man wanted to get married had to prove his ability to provide for his wife and the family, otherwise, the girl’s father would not give his daughter away. I don’t agree with this concept of ‘giving away’ part. Yet these days many so-called feminist independent modern women dream of being given away by a male member of there family.
Take a step back
I try to understand why my colleague thinks this way. I dig a deeper by asking why they think this way. I am told that my colleague sees their partners as a different entity. I start to understand that they see their relationship as a business project where everything must be analysed, quantified, in other words, every transaction in the relationship is a business transaction. I try to see that in their head relationship is all about my tasks and your tasks, my job and your job. The relationship is all about well-defined parameters, drawn up contracts, agreements etc, as you would expect to see in a business world. Now when someone thinks like this way (more correctly told to think this way, let's face it 99.9% of what we do what we think, what we desire are all influenced by the environment we are living in) and has been doing so for a long period then they will get a shock when a different way or viewpoint is put to them. I realise that for them to understand why I pay for my wife they need to go back to basics.
Back to basic
Disclaimer this is not a definition of what a relationship should be as each relationship is different with its own challenges. Having said that I asked my colleague rather than thinking of you and your partner as two separate entity why don’t you think of it as one. You have the right and left hand, two separate hands, but they are the same, as they belong to you. Think back to the very beginning when you had your first date with your current partner, did you not pay for the activity which you two did together. The new trend is that it must be shared which is utter rubbish and any man who agrees to this doesn’t deserve to date. See dating and having the privilege of spending time with A girl (notice A in capital letter) is not for boys but for men. You need to step up and earn the right. It comes with responsibility. She is giving you her time, her effort, her energy and you as a man need to know how to handle it. So if you paid for her at the beginning now she gives you two kids you want to split everything 50:50. The fact she carried two of your kids doesn’t it make her even more worthy that you should not only pay for her financially but also emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually and more.
Finally paying for your wife is not that you are paying for someone else, because the end of the day it’s something which you are enjoying also. The example you pay for all the bills, but don’t you use them also, you pay for groceries, but do you not eat the same grocery. You pay for petrol, but do you not drive the car. Ok, you pay for her clothes, but do you not get to be the one to undress her or admire how the clothing item hugs her curves while your eyes are pleased by seeing her in it. See it’s not easy being a man or a woman. Both come with responsibilities. Focusing on men here I say men need to step up, needs to be the provider, needs to be able to look after his wife and his family. Men need to be like the redwood tree, whose roots go deep underground giving them a strong foundation, their branches grow way tall up in the sky, giving them a strong back. All types of birds and small mammals take shelter in them from storms and thunder. The same way your kids and wife will hold on to you in times of difficult moment. Till then you will always be a little boy stuck in a male body and will always argue moan and won’t pay for his wife. Remember, specifically aimed at the men only, the hand which gives is better than the hand which always takes.